INSOMNIA

As I write, I am fighting insomnia.  This is not generally a problem for me, but every so often there comes a night when my mind is too full of thought for me to slip into sleep.  It’s always an annoying experience.  Every other night this week I’ve been able to drift off without a problem, and yet tonight sleep evades me.  More often it’s just the opposite – I fight yawns during the day and am full of them long before I actually climb into bed.


Sleep and I are for the most part very friendly, which is why this bout of insomnia is so troubling.  I have so many lovely associations with sleep.  Most of them don’t have to do with the sleep itself (as, unsurprisingly, I retain almost no memories of the actual process).  It’s the pleasant little things that happen just before and after that come to mind.

I remember being young (and not so young), when my father would come into the bedroom I shared with my sister and sit on the edge of the bed to tuck us in.

I remember waking on many a cold winter morning and glancing out the window to discover a snowy wonderland that did not exist when I went to bed.

I remember many a Christmas Eve when I lay in bed at my Grandma’s house, watching through the crack in the almost-closed door as she made trips up and down the hallway, carrying armfuls of presents between her bedroom and the Christmas tree.

I think of summer nights, drifting to sleep with the windows open and cool breezes wafting into my bedroom, and waking the next morning to the gentle sounds of the outdoors and the joy of a lazy summer day just begun.

I remember a June night several years ago when I slipped out of bed and out into the backyard to watch the silent flickering of hundreds of small firefly lights.

I think of my husband, who is asleep in bed at this very moment, breathing softly and evenly inside his cocoon of blankets.  It is enormously comforting to feel him lying beside me and to know he’ll be awake in a second if I need him.

Bed is sounding better and better.  I think I’ll be heading back soon.  Shall I count sheep tonight, or fireflies?

"Fireflies" (Owl City)